kat_eats_tofu

Prelude:

It is always those tumultuous times which inspire one to write. But really, it is humorous because my whole life is definitely not one happy story. It's actually far from that: Across the world, across the galaxy, across the universe. Maybe too tumultuous makes you numb, or more likely, in denial. You don't want to go near that. Oh, no. You want to stay as far away from that issue as possible. If you were to dig deeper into that - or even to move a step closer - your whole world would fall to pieces. So instead, you focus on other, more trivial, but for some subconscious reasons, more stressful issues. A lesser stress to distract you from the major stress.

But because I don't want to indulge, contemplate, or even give a second thought about my real fear, I am going to focus this paper on one of those lesser fears. So minor in comparison, but sometimes it seems just as painful. I can dig real deep, pick at this scab until it bleeds. The other, on the other hand, is an explosive lodged inside of me. Pressure (or more so, ignorance) is the only thing preventing it from going off. If any slight movement is made, or if it is touched in any way, my heart would explode or collapse. So we'll steer clear from that issue.


Rejection:

"The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears." - John Steinbeck, East of Eden

That nine letter word is not only feared by children, but by men and women alike. It may be more hurtful to women because many do not take it lightly. We dwell on it, and it leaves a permanent scar on our hearts that we can pick at, or that might flare up at any given point if irritated. It could just be 'one of those days' that causes irritation, or worse, we might bump into an ex (assuming he was the one who broke up with us, of course). And in today's online-social-networking society, it's even worse. That scar can become inflamed without even a lift of our finger. An ex's change of relationship status from 'single' to 'in a relationship' or even to just 'it's complicated', will bring us to tears, or at least have us walking with a heavier step. And there's no way to avoid it. You log on and bam: there it is staring you in the face. I guess some online programs have made clever ways to avoid certain people, but they will still show up in a photo on the side of your homepage. Hell, even exes who don't have an Internet persona will still show up looking smug with their new girlfriend in a photo. It is a small world, especially when you confine it to a single website.

It is just upsetting that now, not only do you have to worry about bumping into and ex in the physical world, but you have to worry about bumping into them in the cyber world. And what are you supposed to do? Deactivate your account? Deactivate your life? But then he might think that you are pathetic. Six months after breaking up, and you're still hurt? No. You cannot take that option. You cannot show him that you are weak. You cannot surrender like that.

But this paper isn't about online networking programs. Although that is what inspired me to write it. That dreadful ex (if you can call him that), that boy that I was never able to win over, who I was so, so grateful that he didn't have a facebook, recently made my nightmare come true and joined facebook and added me as a friend. And what else was I to do but accept. I do eventually want to be friends after all (if I can ever get over the rejection). And I don't want to let him know that after half a year, I'm still bothered. I want to seem strong and perfectly fine (as we all do). But that brought me to my major dilemma. How long do we have to keep trying to impress those who rejected us?

I am guilty of, after having accepted his friend request, going through my facebook photos and deleting the ones that were not so great. I do want him to remember me fondly, right? But, NO! I shouldn't have to cater to that bullshit. Who cares! (I care.) But I shouldn't! (But I do.) I stopped myself after deleting five photos and forced myself to step away from the computer. He spent a year with me. If he didn't like me in that time, it's not like a polished facebook profile is going to change is mind. (But maybe it will. Maybe it will at least remind him of what he missed out on.)

Seriously though: How long will this constant need or want to impress an ex go on? I'm not sure, but judging how my mom suddenly got all perky and touchy-feely with my step dad when she met up with my real dad after 20 years of divorce, judging from that, something tells me it will be a while. And... 20 years!?!... it will be the rest of my life.

Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes this rejection can fuel and motivate women to do amazing things. It can motivate them to travel, volunteer, and do all those things they've always wanted to do in their life. And all it took to inspire them to take action was mixing rejection with the need for self-validation, and add a little vengeance and a little bit of 'This would show them!' mentality. We often hate to admit that this component is there, and maybe it is just more of an afterthought- a "if he could only see me now!", delivered after the actions are taken, but either way, part of it is there.

I'm sure there's a way to break out of this. To stop trying to impress them. To stop trying to make them think that you are better off now then you were with them. To let them see that you are only human. The only solution I've thought of where I could find myself being OK with that dreaded ex, is to find someone equally good or better than him. Sigh: but that's still trying to impress him or out do him. Maybe there is no solution. Maybe we just have to deal with this weakness of ours and accept it, like we have come to accept so many others. Maybe, if you keep obsessing and fine tuning your online profile, maybe then you will earn the status of: "The one that got away." Maybe.

It'll all work out:

As I stepped out into the dark night,
the cold air drew my warm blood to the surface.
The clovers under my feet bent their stems temporarily
to bear my weight.

As frozen droplets of mist melted under my toes,
thousands of piercing diamond eyes peered at me through the black sky,
winking occasionally.

A deep breath in and a sigh of beauty exhaled.

I scanned the sky for the big dipper:
That giant spoon that is always trying to scoop up the north star.
Although he will never catch her,
he does help those less celestial beings locate that
always steady glowing presence.

And tonight,
they gave me my sense of direction.

As I my eyes traced from the dipper's edge
straight to the north star,
I turned and began my journey.

Sorry or Please:

My feet landed at a steady pace
to the beat of an imaginary drum.

The wind whipped through the trees,
whistling through the puckered leaves,
and crickets rubbed their wings to sing.

The night was playing its daily soundtrack.
The one mockingbird, getting to an early start,
was the star of the show.

As I took long strides, my hips swayed from side to side.
I warmed up as I walked
further and further away.
The circulation in my body flowed faster,
keeping up with my pace.

What began as a slow walk, crescendoed to a swift walk.
And then the swift walk took off
into a sprint. Soon,
I was running as fast as I could.

But the Regrets Are Killing Me:

Tears streamed from my eyes and streaked the side of my face.
Some flew off, while others made their way
into the crevices of my ears and into the abyss
of my black hair.

What was I running from?
From my thoughts?
From Death?
From Life?

Dirt collected in my toes,
huddled with broken pieces of various flora.

Mixed emotions filled my mind.
Fragments of memories every time I closed my eyes to wipe the tears.

My heart pounded and my breath was heavy,
but I kept running.

The north star had given me a sense of geographical direction, but why couldn't She direct my mind?
Go North thoughts!
Head towards a better place.

Or maybe it's West?
Just go in some linear direction!
Just move away from this!

We Would Fall Against the Tide:

And then I stopped.
My body could take no more.
Out of breath, I hunched over,
and my arms used my legs as support.

Now my eyes were pointed down at the ground
at my soiled feet.

My tears went strait to the earth.
I could not stop.
I continuously produced several drops of rain
for select square inches of grass.

My legs eventually billowed,
and I was soon on the cold ground.
The blades welcomed my skin with soft,
chilling touches,
while other weeds annoyingly poked at me,
trying as hard as they could to get me
to stand up.

But I was not moving.

Hopeless and confused,
I curled into myself.

Eventually, I ran out of tears.
The breathing calmed,
my heart slowed,
and all that was left
was a quite quivering of my lips:
from the cold or from the crying?
who could tell.

And there,
somewhere closer to the north pole,
balled up
with eyes swollen from the thousand of saline tears that had forced themselves out,
then and there...
I fell asleep accepting.

Why is it that you always have to focus on the bad to get over a guy? I tried to take the higher ground. I tried understanding and excusing. Actually, I couldn't stop understanding and excusing until he drew that last straw. That last act that showed me his true thoughts about me, or more, lack there of. His true inconsiderate self. He's not an inconsiderate guy to others, but he is inconsiderate to me, and I just couldn't see that for so long. Or more that I saw it but excused him for being confused. I want and don't want to stop excusing him all the time.

Why is it that anger and resentment is all that makes us strong? Even subconsciously so. Maybe that last attempt by him to meet up to "return a book" was an attempt to be close in that way, but for once, my anger blinded me in the opposite way. Normally, all I can see and hold onto are his attempts to see me, which became my concept of his desire for me. Normally, I could never see how badly he treated me or how much he ignored me. But here, in this last scenario, he was reaching out to me and making an attempt to not ignore me, and I didn't even notice. I unconsciously rejected him. Most likely because now, all the excusing and all the "good" I saw in him has been replaced with blaming and all the bad I see in him.

I want to make it clear that I don't think he is an overall bad person, but he is a bad person to me. He has ignored my feelings and taken my friendship for granted for so long, and I just took it. Yes, he responded to some of my many attempts to reach out to him, to be his friend, but did he ever make an attempt to initiate us hanging out or meeting up (and not just in that way)? No. I can only think of 3 or 4 different occasions in our year-long-whatever where he asked me to do something with him, and two of those were default invites after I called him about something. And one was just a missed phone call, which may have meant nothing. How did I not see that for so long? I took his responses to me and my requests as his kindness and fondness of me. But let's just once see him make an attempt on his own accords to keep me as a friend. It won't happen because he never appreciated or cared for me.

If he feels lonely and that no one cares for him, who cares. Stop offering your care. He doesn't deserve it. That's why no one cares for him, because the people that do care, he just ignores and treats like shit. And yes, I cannot say that I have not done the same, but I don't think I have ever done it for so long. And it almost makes it worse that he knows that he treats me shitty and hurts me, because he does nothing about it. It's true ignorance. There are those who don't know what they are doing, can't see the pain they are causing another, and so will continue doing it, and then there are those who do know, and can see the hurt they are causing, and yet will choose to ignore it and continue doing it. I don't know about you, but the latter seems worse. He was the latter. Of course, it didn't help that I kept telling him it was OK because I was weak and forgiving.

Which again brings us to our dilemma: Why do you have to be angry to be strong? Or at least I do. Is there a way to be forgiving, excusing, and accepting and yet still stand up for yourself and be self-righteous? I don't know that there is. I mean, I feel that as a person, I am forgiving and excusing and accepting. That is my natural state. But, at the same time, people often deem me as passive, as too passive and weak, as: 'You let people "walk all over you"'. But to me, I just see it as being understanding.

And in this scenario, I am straying away from my normal forgiving behavior and feeling anger and resentment toward someone. And in this situation, I am coming off as a stronger woman, and it is keeping me from continuing to make the same mistake. I want to be able to be more understanding and compassionate about the situation, but I know that if I were fully understanding, I would take him back if he came back. I would make the same mistake. So instead, I have learned to tolerate him, accept the situation - to a point. Emphasis on To a point. If I fully accept and excuse, I will be where I was a month ago. Maybe there is no way to be fully understanding and compassionate and self-righteous all at once. Maybe it always has to be forgiveness to a point: A compromise of anger and understanding. And isn't that how everything in the world functions best - through compromises. compromises.

I think I'm a lot closer to knowing myself than ever before. I'm close enough at least. There will always be parts of me that wavers and that is lost, but as far as stability and comfort in who I am, I'm there. Now the discomfort comes more with how my life has and is playing out and how I am going to choose to play it out, but there is not necessarily uncertainty with myself. There’s a quote that I have always been quite fond of from Emerson’s Self-Reliance:

“There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion; … [ ] … Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.”

I am still a series of highs and lows,
but I think I have finally found a middle ground.
Accepting and expecting the least,
to help calm my nerves down.

I have found comfort in my own skin,
re-accepting what is within.
But future plans are still up in the air,
giving me no time to prepare

For what is to come.

It has to be my compassion for animals and my love for nature. Austin actually caused me a little confusion, and I strayed away from that passion for a couple years, but it's coming back. It's my driving force. I just had to learn that I am doing it, not to make a "difference in the world", but just to make myself happy.

I do think I've grown a lot in these times of troubles. But the troubles and bad luck as gone on for far too long. It has been two years now, and I think emotionally I am now a giant. If life problems are like steroids for emotional growth, than I probably have overdosed by now. There's only so much one person can take.

so... i realized today what i really, truly am sick of.

I'm sick of trying to be something I'm not.
I'm sick of being sick of myself.

go see this movie:



it comes out everywhere on june 2nd... it's already out in select cities.... Go see it and spread the awareness...

Most people can be classed into two different personality types – “over-thinkers and under-thinkers”. I use these terms vaguely because I feel they both are viewed negatively, but for the sake of this paper, I wish to view them in a completely neutral manner. In addition, being a relativist, I cannot say whether one is good or bad, but I now have experienced both extremes and therefore can tell you which one I prefer. Actually, that past comment was a lie, I was never able to completely become a complete “under-thinker” or as I like to call it in a more friendlier fashion, a “carefree” person, but I came very close to it. To be honest, I don’t know if I know any female can be a complete “carefree” person, it seems to be just in our nature to over think things. However, I do think there are different levels of over thinking that a woman can do, or more correctly, different depths. The first depth is just surfacing analyzing and from there it gets deeper and deeper.

To explain, let’s go over an example. Lets think about a girl who just got her first kiss from a boy. For an easier analysis of various depths, I will section it off into three different levels ascending with the depth of thinking. Referring back to the kiss: first level analyzers, or top surface analyzers, would probably just reflect back onto the event and think or worry about things such as what they looked like when he kissed them, how they were at kissing, or how was their breath when they kissed. Basically they would think of what many consider “shallow” and “self-centered” questions. The second level thinking, however, would take more into consideration, the boy’s thoughts along with their own. Example: in addition to first level thoughts, they would probably wonder what he was thinking about when he was kissing her, they would think about what they felt when they kissed, did they feel anything special, was he the right guy for them, did he actually like them, and so on. Finally, the third level thinkers, in addition to first and second level thoughts, contemplate the event in relation to their lives. For example, they would think about the meaning of the kiss – What does the kiss mean to them? To him? How is the kiss going to change the dynamics between them? What are other people going to think? Are they ready to embark in a quasi-sexual relationship? Are they mature enough for a relationship? Do they even want one? Will this even end up in one? Will they regret their first being with him? The list of questions and analyses for third level thinkers could go on and on.

Both the second and third level thoughts can cause stress, but the best way to distinguish third and second level thoughts, is that those of third level can drive a person to depression. This is because they take the event and place it in respect to their life, and when reflecting on this they often focus on the bad, leading them to stress and sometimes leading them to depression. Therefore, I am going to place first and second level thinkers in the “under-thinking and carefree” category. I also want to propose the idea that over thinking does not develop until one reaches their adolescence. Below the age of about 11 of 12, most children can be classified as “under thinkers”, reasonably so. I am sure that there are a few exceptions, but they are rare and so we will assume that most children are carefree. In addition, although earlier I reflected that these different levels were only found in girls. I must correct myself, for I am told that men may also have different levels. However, judging from my own experience, I seem to only have met two types: worry-free men and third level thinking men.

Going back to the distinction between under and over thinkers, I want to focus on which class of people is preferred. The majority of my adolescence that I can remember I have been an over thinker. However, this past year I experienced the more “carefree” world for the first time since I was about 10. In general, being carefree has a positive connotation and being worrisome has a negative one. However, ironically, I feel that the previous notion is one that is created by carefree people themselves. Although it is not always ideal to worry, I do not believe it is ideal to never worry. If one does not worry about any others then they will not be considerate of others and will show no empathy for others. They, however, probably will still be happy because they will be oblivious to this fact, but they will miss some of the greatest things in life, such as consciously making another person happy. In addition, often worry and sympathy for something can turn itself around into passion. Completely carefree people often lack a sincere compassion for others.

However, being an “under thinker” is not always bad for the person, and often, because of their low depth of thought, they do not see it as bad at all. In fact, it is quite enjoyable to be carefree. I must say that I feel that last year was one of the most enjoyable years I have had in a long time. Not being a thinker after being a thinker for so long was a great vacation for my mind, but it did not last long. I’m not sure if the transition back to thinking was by choice or by accident. I am so worrisome and stressed presently, that I do not understand why I would have made the change back by choice, but I do remember beginning to doubt my carefree ways at the end of the semester and beginning to question myself. I did this consciously. I realized that being carefree had caused me to loose my identity, my sense of self, and my ability to reflect, and I was unsure if it was a good or bad change. Buddhist thought encourages this feeling and thinks of the feeling of no-self as a positive thing to aim for. However, although part of me understands what they are saying, part of me also feel that if one looses their identity and sense of self with it they also loose the excitement of life and become numb to the events around them. They, or at least in my own case, become detached and can no longer relate to the problems and drama that surrounds them. It is hard for them to understand pain and drama, and therefore, it is hard for them to be sincerely there for a person who is suffering these things. They can listen to another’s problems, but they cannot truly relate. I will make a personal injection here and note that false sincerity is one of my least favorite characteristics.

In society today, being carefree is considered an ideal trait, but I feel that without the drama and worry, life is not real. However, this is not to say that over thinkers are the better people. In fact, they suffer from some of the same problems under thinkers have. Being worrisome and constantly thinking can also cause detachment from the world. Many times people can become so engulfed in their own thoughts that they are no longer living in the present. In addition, the mere fact that third level thinkers can drive themselves to depression is also unprogressive and harmful. Often times third level thinkers can drive themselves to depression by wishing they did not think so much and wanting to be a more “carefree” person but not being able to. This is actually a common problem over thinkers have: not accepting their worrisome habits and falling for the cultural believe that being a carefree person is the better option. Over thinkers are often not satisfied. Some can turn this dissatisfaction into passion for change, but others may turn this dissatisfaction into a feeling of helplessness. In addition, over thinking can lead to unclear thoughts and indecision. Therefore, although not all, sometimes over thinking can become self-destructive. However, sometimes, like those mentioned previously, it can lead to several positive outcomes.

Over thinkers have the ability to appreciate more than under thinkers. They are able as many say, “see the bigger picture”, and although that may include some bad things, it also includes several positive things. They are able to understand the world and the things in it from a larger perspective, and being able to see all aspects of a situation, they can appreciate all sides, good and bad. Although many tend to focus on the negative, some appreciate their ability to feel this pain and can derive the positive outcomes of the situation. This ability to see the positive in a negative event may not come directly but may emerge when they reflect on the event later in their life.

If I had to choose which of the two types of thinkers that I preferred, I would choose both. If this statement surprises you, it should not, for this must be expected coming from a relativist. I do, however, have a bias towards over thinkers, for I would qualify myself as one. This qualification is apparent, if one is reading this paper appropriately. However, as I was mentioning before, I very much enjoyed the time that I was able achieve more of an under thinker status. My natural tendencies eventually led me back to over thinking and worrying, but I cannot say that experiencing the carefree side was a bad experience. Actually, I must admit that it has been hard for me to adjust back to my old ways. The stress, worry, and drama that is now back in my life has not been taken lightly. However, I do think that that may just be part of who I am, which brings up the question of how and what decides whether a person is an over thinker or and under thinker. I personally, myself, do not know how or why I became the way I am. Perhaps it is genetic and one is born with this disposition, or perhaps it is determined by childhood environment. For this question, I do not know the answer presently, but perhaps I will reflect on it another day. However, for now I will leave it at this: People can be grouped into to different types - under thinkers and over thinkers. Both types have negative and positive attributes, and neither have superiority over another. There is an ability to change which class one falls into, but it is hard and often times requires a traumatic event, especially when going from under thinking to over thinking. In addition, the transition must occur gradually and naturally. Trying to force yourself to be the type that you are not often results in failure and dissatisfaction. The most ideal type of person is one who can find a balance between the two types, extracting only the positive aspects of both sides. However, I do not know if this balance is actually possible. I hope that it is, however, and I hope to be able to achieve it myself. Now that I have experienced both sides of the spectrum, I hope to create a third type, which falls in a balance between the two distinguished types.